What’s that lighter doing there?
/With kids at home constantly, many parents are stumbling across drug paraphernalia – lighters, unusual looking pens, random baggies, etc… For most, this is a shock (even if it’s from a college student that’s returned home). So now what?
Know that every parent who encounters a child’s drug use feels some degree of shock, and every parent reacts differently. Some ignore it, some are truly indifferent, but most start on the same journey every parent, in this situation, starts on - to understand - “what is this,” “how extensive is it,” “how do I feel about this,” “should I be worried.” Most are on their way to some kind of discussion or even a scream-fest with their child. Some things to keep in mind:
You have the right to an opinion on drug and alcohol use for your kids under 21 that is different from your opinion about adult use. Your adult use of alcohol does not justify their underage use of marijuana, alcohol or nicotine (a common position or complaint heard from kids found using).
The risk profile for adult use and underage use is extremely different. That said, if you’re modeling excessive use or commonly glorify alcohol/drug consumption, take a look at that. Do you think it’s contributing to your child’s decision making?
It is your responsibility to parent this. Find your authentic voice and execute a strategy. Assess its effectiveness, modify and execute again. Repeat as you find it necessary. A concerted effort can often stop youth use (which is why you want to activate early and often), but for many it will be an ongoing discussion and possible battle. Keep expanding your knowledge, understanding and find support.
Parenting is always easier if you and the adults you co-parent with are in agreement on issues, strategy, etc. Hopefully, you will be on this important topic, but if not, it can still be valuable if only you stand against your child’s use.
Understand what’s at risk, include looking at your family history. This is a way to help shape your language and approach and can help strengthen resolve.
Don’t expect feedback to calibrate whether you’re being successful or not. Know that you might not win and/or evidence of a win might be far in the future, but don’t let that stop you.
Know that drugs and alcohol can bring out the inner-liar in every user, especially children (who know, at least semi-consciously, they are pushing boundaries with their under-age use). Some parents have the hardest time believing their kids would lie to them directly, especially the younger they are. It’s okay - lying can be a way to find out where the boundaries are.
Our kids know how to tell us what they think we want to hear. So keep asking, keep listening, keep triangulating among the facts to find some truth.
If YOU feel out-of-control or like there is nothing you can do, seek help, keep reading and get educated on the drugs teens use. You can control the information you acquire and the help you seek for yourself.
When is it time to seek professional help for your child? There are many different opinions. Some say, if you’ve found it, it’s not the first time, and kids can easily be in more trouble than parents realize or have the capacity to assess. Parents who have lost their children to addiction, marijuana-induced suicide, accidental death, mental illness or alcohol related injury or death will tell you to run, not walk to a professional. Others will say let your parenting instincts direct you.
Most parents that do engage a professional, start with their Pediatrician, but that doctor may or may not have a strong background in adolescent substance use. S/he may have colleagues they can recommend for assessment or consultation, which can be useful. Other professional options:
Psychologist with a specialty in adolescence and addiction
Psychiatrist with a specialty in adolescence and addiction
Psychologist with at least one of the specialties (adolescence or addiction)
Psychiatrist with at least one of the specialties (adolescence or addiction)
Treatment center with consultation services
A final comment on therapy and treatment from a Marriage and Family Therapist specialized in adolescent addiction – “It has been my experience that while many children will experiment, most will not meet the criteria for dependency, making treatment center care for most (in and out patient), overkill.
That said, depending on the caliber of use, regularly scheduled therapy sessions with a specialist can be valuable, so can initial sessions to help parents, and/or the child explore/better understand if there are underlying causes and what might be effective paths forward.
It can be important for parents to resist, however, looking at therapy as something to “treat the child.” Often it is really the family that needs to be treated.
While young people do benefit from therapy, the chances for their success are monumentally greater when the family is the client and therapy is not viewed as a punitive reaction to finding drugs or alcohol. As Gabor Mate puts it so eloquently, “not, why the addiction, but why the pain?” Effective therapy for a young person and the family is not so focused on the use but on the underlying reasons they use - trauma, neglect, family conflict, untreated anxiety, ADHD, depression, etc.” www.rachelmoranmft.com
